Family dynamics

It is obvious that when we have more children through embryo adoption, our family will grow. Our already large family of 7 will increase to 8-9 or maybe even larger as time goes on. Crazy? You might wonder. I guess that depends on your definition of crazy. I have always envisioned a large family as being warm, loving and safe. Already having 5 children, we are not a small family by any definition. To some this may be an unimaginable lifestyle. It takes a great deal of planning and packing in order to take a weekend trip and many holiday plans just aren't practical with a large family. We may be an intimidating crew to have over for dinner; only the brave may venture. One may wonder how it is possible to meet the needs of so many children; spiritual, emotional, developmental, financial, etc.. I've been asked if I think it is fair to my children to make them share me with so many siblings, how can I properly nurture each of them? The answer to all of this can be found in one word: Grace. Our priorities have changed over the years as our family has grown. Our first priority is God. It is important for us to raise our children with a knowledge of God and to model Christ-like behaviour and a devoted relationship with God. We always pray together as a family; not just at meal times and bed times, but in family devotions, at any point in the day when we have praise or concerns for ourselves and whenever the opportunity arises to participate in the lives of others by lifting them up in prayer before the throne of God for help, healing, blessing or any other reason. We ask God for direction as a family and we pray one on one with our children randomly throughout the day. We want to teach our children to love others and serve them whenever we get a chance. This means that we get out of our comfort zone and reach out into the lives of others. This can be awkward with a large family, but it is important and we have grown together as a family on many occasions. When anyone in the family is struggling in a relationship or for other reasons, we use these experiences to help us to learn about how God loves others and how we can grow in this area. Our second priority is our family, first our marriage and then our children. In our family, we all make sacrifices for each other. For example, our children sacrifice time with their parents so that we can spend some quality time together. The reward for them is that we have a strong and loving marriage which brings them security and a joyful family environment. As parents, we put our children's needs above our own and do our best to provide for their needs. With a large family we need to evaluate what real needs are. In this day and age there are so many extracurricular activities that youth and children can participate in like sports, music and other lessons, to name a few. We certainly cannot afford to have all of our children involved in everything. We simple pick the ones that are important and consider if reasonable sacrifices can be made to accommodate. Take hockey, for example; one son has shown interest in hockey, which is very expensive and requires a big time commitment as well. Unfortunately, this is not an option. Upon speaking to him about it, I discovered that he'd just as soon play basketball and be on the wrestling team and the cost of these activities is significantly less and the time commitment is smaller as well. Phew! We also challenge our kids about their commitment to these activities because if the family is going to make the financial sacrifice, they are aware that they must be willing to practice their piano to make the most of the opportunity. Our family isn't perfect. As parents, we make mistakes. We aren't always as consistent as we'd like to be. Our judgement isn't always the best and we still have a lot to learn. Our children aren't perfect either. They don't always get along or make the best choices. However, I prefer to identify our family by grace. We have good intentions and God is faithful to complete a good work in us, so we will work towards that end! Our family has a best friend policy; that means that siblings are best friends! All differences must be worked out so that relationships can grow. Tattle-telling is only allowed if someone is in danger. Communication is encouraged as an alternative to fighting. Negative words are illegal in our home. i.e. we never say bad boy/girl, dumb, hate or stupid. If someone says unkind words to another, they must then say 3 nice things to them. We share in work and in play. We foster respect for ourselves and others, meaning that each person is precious and we treat each other accordingly. Honesty is valued, taught and praised in our family and forgiveness is practiced daily. I cannot possibly sum up our family life in a single blog, but to say the least, we strive to be a family that honors God, provides a nurturing environment to grow up in and reflects God's love to the world. Though we have chosen a family dynamic that doesn't suit everyone, we wouldn't have it any other way!

Hope for adoption

Steve and I just spent 3 days in Abbotsford at Hope Adoption services completing the education requirement for our home study. We just attended the Parenting Plus seminar; talk about a deeply emotional and moving course! If I thought I knew a lot about adoption scenarios before last week, I learned SO much more! It was such a blessing to stretch my understanding of adoption and its effects on everyone involved; the adoptee, the birth family and the adoptive family. I can't wait to get my hands on some recommended books on adoption, there is so much more for me to learn!

I was humbled by the stories from birth mothers, as I have mostly overlooked their side of things. Their decision is often misunderstood, considered a weakness or lack of concern; that couldn't be further from the truth. At Hope Services, there is a tremendous amount of education and support invested in helping the birthmother make the best decision for her child. I was deeply moved by their commitment to supporting her through the process. From what I also learned about the perspective of an adoptee, understanding and supporting the birth mother is the first important step in ensuring that a child has the best start!

The bonding portion of the seminar was not new to me because it was taught so well when my sister and brother-in-law took the course over 5 years ago! I learned from their experiences that bonding and attachment are a huge part in the success of an adoption. I saw my sister affirming her love and showing herself trustworthy to their young, adopted daughter by constantly being present with her. They were the only ones to feed her, cuddle her and care for her for months on end until their daughter finally realized that they were true in their love. We take love for granted until we have experienced loss and then it is human nature to question everything.

It is tempting for me to assume that by adopting embryos, children at the earliest stage of life, that we won't ever have to consider bonding, birth parents, separation and loss or any of the other issues that surround adoption. That would be a mistake! Though we will have the honor of knowing this/these child(ren) from almost the beginning, their genetic make up will belong to someone else. They will have genetic parents and full siblings somewhere in the world and they will want to know where they came from. God give us grace to be the best adoptive parents that we can be and to be open and supportive, to give our children every chance to thrive!

I want to mention that God has been teaching me about identity, specifically my identity in Him. This is very relevant to adoption because if I don't understand my identity in Christ, I cannot be who He has called me to be. In the same way, any child who struggles with their identity, not knowing where they come from or how they came to be adopted, is at risk of having a serious identity crisis. Their life can be consumed by unanswered questions even if they are fully attached to their adoptive family. God created us with the need to know who we are and adoptees are no exception. I am so grateful to be learning about this now so that I can help all of my children become who God made them to be!

I still have so much to earn about the journey ahead! I am grateful that Hope includes this seminar in their home study program. It was such a valuable resource as adoptive parents and I fully recommend it to anyone considering adoption. It is so great to be a part of such a dynamic adoption community and have the mentorship from all of the staff at Hope.
Really, there is so much more to say; I haven't even scratched the surface of all the valuable things we just learned. However, I couldn't possibly include it all in a blog! If your interest has peaked, maybe you are considering adoption and should contact Hope Services for an adoption package! wink.